- “Stop before you interest me to death.”
- “There’s a better way to call off a wedding. A tweet, for example.”
- “Doesn’t mean you’re gay just because the guy you’re sleeping with is.”
- “I cared for eight seconds. Then I got distracted.”
- “That a pill in your pocket or are you just happy to have a tiny pill shaped penis?”
- “I was curious. Since I’m not a cat, that’s not dangerous.”
- “No, if you talk to God you’re religious. If God talks to you, you’re psychotic..”
- “I can be a jerk to people I haven’t slept with. I am THAT good..”
- “That was awesome. I gotta start pretending to care.”
- “Are you comparing me to God? I mean, it’s great, but so you know, I’ve never made a tree.”
- “Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.”

- “Buy some furniture or admit that you’re empty inside.”
- “You got to the point where half your age plus seven just wasn’t young enough anymore?”
- “At least he has the young and stupid excuse.”
- “We’re better off alone. We suffer alone, we die alone. Doesn’t matter if you were a model husband or father of the year.”
- Taub: “Not exactly sanitary.”
House: “Fun stuff never is.”
- “He’s just trying to get into your skirts. And I don’t mean metaphorically.”
- “Gotta see if our patient’s a unicorn or just a slutty horse.”

- “The world’s your freaky oyster and you opt for another long-term relationship? That’s just stupid.”
- “Think there’s a chance the husband’s a Plushie?”
- Cuddy: “Do you read any of your departmental memos?”
House: “Only the ones labeled NSFW.”
- “He’s wearing cologne, but not the stink of shame.”
- “Sodomy – one of the top ten most common household accidents.”
- “If history is written by the victor, how do we find out what really happened?”
- “Given your usual rate of commitment, we’re lucky you’re not already re-divorced.”
- “Her old friend, the fried carbohydrate.”
- “Everyone wants their stuff. That’s why it’s their stuff.”
- “People who kick when you’re down are jerks, but generally not irrational jerks.”
- “Make a decision. If you’re gonna be an ass. Stick with it.”
- Dr. Wilson: Cuddy is not a Vicodin substitute.
House: Quite the opposite.
Dr. Wilson: You have to wait for her to be ready.
House: Great advice. You pretend that I’m gonna do that.
- “That’s a catchy diagnosis, you could dance to that.”
- “You know me. Hostility makes me shrink up like a- I can’t think of a non-sexual metaphor.”
- “Look, there’s Jesus. Go tell the Romans.”
- “Seizures are fun to watch, boring to diagnose.”